Last night I had a dream about our baby, specifically about changing a diaper. I saw the sweetest face – a little girl with strawberry-blonde hair. As I was changing her, she kept reaching up to grab my face with her tiny, chubby hands. And she kept saying “hi…hi…” over and over again and giggling. She was decked out in a pale yellow onesie with giraffes on it, and she was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen – in my dreams or in real life. When I woke up I would swear I could smell her – not the dirty diaper – the powder, the baby lotion, and that inherently sweet baby fragrance that makes my ovaries pulse. I laid there with my eyes closed for a few minutes, hoping that when I opened them she’d be there. She wasn’t; and for a nanosecond, I was a little sad. Then I looked at who was there. MKL was sound asleep next to me and Stella slept curled up at my feet. I just had to smile. I was so grateful for the dream – for what I can only assume to be a foreshadowing of diaper changes to come. But I was even more grateful to see that my reality is what I spent years dreaming about.
I take up a lot of words in this blog bitching about the fact that we haven’t gotten pregnant yet and I wouldn’t expect that to change anytime soon. But even if it’s just for today, I’ve established a new goal: to remain thankful for the family I have now…if we’re blessed with an addition, I’ll just call it a bonus.
MKL, I love our family with my whole heart…whether it grows or not.