I haven’t been blogging very faithfully lately. It’s not that I’m too busy, or haven’t felt well enough or anything like that. I just haven’t had much to say. Today I’m full of things to say, so I’m going to have to work hard to stay on track. Look out.
First, an update: no, I’m not pregnant. F#%k. F#%kity f#%kity f#%k f#%k f#%k. Yeah…that about sums it up. (With apologies to the members of my family and clergy who read this blog, but today doesn’t seem the appropriate day to try to curb my potty mouth.) The words “strike 3 – you’re out!!” keep running through my head. It’s been a great few days.
The first time we got the negative result call, we were devastated. The second one was disappointing. This third time did nothing but piss us off. As cold as it feels to type it, the phone call was almost routine. It’s negative? OK – are there any recommendations for changes in treatment? Alrighty, then. But we knew we had a decision to make. MKL and I had always said we’d pause and take stock after 3 unsuccessful attempts. We said we’d consider options like changing donors or taking a break. We didn’t have to discuss it very long. We both want to give it one more try this year, and take the holiday months to either settle into an early pregnancy or allow our minds, hearts, and my body to rest for a spell. I texted the guru our plans and we went about our day with a shocking lack of tears.
Sometime between making this very quick, but earnest decision yesterday and waking up this morning, we realized this means another 4 weeks of the roller coaster. Neither really wanted to acknowledge it, but we were both nearly paralyzed at the thought. This process is so much harder than either one of us anticipated. We’re strong – we’ve been tested individually and as a couple on more than one occasion – and we can get through anything together. But folks, this stuff is seriously not for the weak of marriage. You have to love each other enough to know when it’s time to put your relationship before the ttc adventure. And I’m really glad we do.
Next decision: do we abandon bachelor #1 and change donors? We’ve read about and know personally of couples who seemed to succeed as soon as they tried a new donor. It’s a question of compatibility; sometimes a woman’s body is just more or less tolerant of a particular specimen. The decision of whether or not to change donors sort of made itself sometime mid-afternoon yesterday. MKL was searching the cryobank site and found a donor we both loved immediately. His number kept coming up at the top of every search she did, and for a variety of reasons, it just seemed meant to be. I find it fascinating that you feel a connection with the donors just from reading their essays and seeing their baby pictures. Today we purchased the extended profile information on the new guy and he contributed a very cool piece for his future children to experience – something that gives a glimpse at the truly unique and creative guy we believe him to be. Of course, it’s entirely possible that his whole profile is bullshit. But I’m pretty sure it’s not. We both wish we had found him a few months ago, but he just became available. Here’s hoping the change is just what my body needs; bachelor #1 struck out, but there’s still another batter in the lineup.
There’s so much going on in my head today – I’m still angry that #3 didn’t take. I’m trying not to feel like a failure…like I’ve done something to keep us from getting pregnant. But mostly I’m trying to focus on all the things I have to be grateful for. MKL and I are blessed in abundance with friends who cheer us on every step of the way. Our merry band of supporters has grown a bit in the last few months. The longer this takes, the harder it is to keep it quiet. I thought it would make things harder, but it has really just made the band merrier and more supportive. And since most of them read this, the most efficient way to thank them is to do it here (I’m nothing if not efficient). So here is my tribute to our merry band, and a shout-out to the key players. You know who you are.
- To our sweet friend who is like the kid brother neither of us ever had. Lunch was a great diversion yesterday, and we can’t wait until you take the monkey camping. (I promise to come with you guys the first time and I’ll try not to be too prissy.)
- To our church family. We cannot wait to see the monkey running down the aisles of that beautiful sanctuary, chasing the light show created by the stained glass. Your prayers will have made it happen.
- To those darling boys in our life who always know how to respond to bad news. Whether it’s a single expletive, a (very) wordy and sincere message of hope, or an off-the-wall way to make us smile, it always does the trick.
- To my mother, who is ready to be called Grandma any day now. And to winky and the honey badger, who will be ready someday.
- To my work family. There aren’t enough ways to say thank you for the support and understanding I’ve received. I’m particularly blessed to have two bosses whom I can count as friends and to work with another dear friend who “gets” me like few others do. I wish every woman going through this was so lucky.
- To our BFF’s. These two are by our sides no matter what. They are the first to wish us luck on iui days, and the last to leave the pity party on result days. They will be the best godparents a kid can ask for, and we cannot wait to witness their journey toward a family in a few years.
If you’ve said a prayer, sent up a positive thought, remembered us on milestone days, or even just thought enough about us to keep up with this blog, thank you. When this process has us at our lowest, your support is what carries us through.