The short answer: bfn. Again.
This morning was a test of our patience. We passed, but just barely. Last month the guru called us around 9:00 in the morning with the results. So when we hadn’t heard from her by 10:00 today, I sent a gentle text reminder. No answer. Then 11:00 came and went. And then it was noon. During this time we wore a path in the floor, pacing around the living room in a state of suspended animation and jumping each time my phone made the slightest chirp. When she finally called, the guru was all apologies for the delay, and then all apologies for the news: “Sorry, guys. It’s negative.” We both knew it a week ago. Neither one wanted to say it out loud, but we both had a gut feeling that this wasn’t going to be the cycle. I wish that made hearing the news any easier, but it didn’t. We cried and cried, and reassured one another that we’re ready for round 3.
With each cycle that passes unsuccessfully comes additional stress. We spend a lot of time trying to be strong for one another and cushion the blow for the other. Try though I might, I can’t begin to predict how my body will react to the drugs or hormones. But I’d be ignoring the elephant in the room if I didn’t acknowledge the financial strain this can put on your household and potentially your marriage. We believe we are as financially prepared for raising a child as any couple can be, and we understand that the decision to have a baby will forever change our fiscal priorities in a way that affects all new parents. But most couples don’t have to invest a year’s worth of junior college tuition into each attempt at getting pregnant… so there’s that… If you live in a place where any of this process is covered by some kind of insurance, thank someone. Write a politician, thank your parents for the fact that you were born there, pat yourself on the back for being smart enough to move, I don’t care. But be grateful for it, if only for those of us who fund this journey 100% out-of-pocket, as MKL and I do.
The guru taught us a new vocab word this morning: menopur. Menopur is a hormone containing both fsh (follicle stimulating hormone) and lh (luteinizing hormone), and is the new addition to our treatment protocol. In the first treated cycle I produced 3 follicles; last time, just 1 (but it was huge!). This indicates to doc that my body is no longer responding to the letrozole. So adding the menopur shot will hopefully increase the number of follicles produced, therefore increasing our chances. What it will definitely do is add an appointment at doc’s (ca-ching), another butter churn (ca-ching), and a post-letrozole-but-pre-profasi shot (ca…wait for it…CHING!).
Just like last time, I’m not sure what to feel or say…or say about what I feel. “Disappointed” seems an understatement. “Sad” doesn’t quite cut it. Yet “grieving” seems a bit extreme. For now I might settle on “scared.” I am afraid of how my body will react to changes in the treatment protocol. I’m scared of how another attempt will affect us both emotionally. I’m frightened of the impact this additional pre-pregnant time will have on the honey badger’s ability to fill MKL’s head with guilt. And the idea of hearing the guru say “negative” again chills me to the core. I’m still not afraid that we won’t have a child, though. I know it will happen, and I just hope it happens soon.