There’s a rather dark cloud over me today. I’ve spent a good majority of the waking hours crying, and hearing the guru’s voice in my head as she tells us the test is negative again. No, she hasn’t said that yet. I gave them my blood this morning but we won’t get the results until tomorrow. For some reason I can’t hear her giving us good news, though. I close my eyes (or on occasion they swell themselves shut…did I mention the crying?), and try to visualize the whole thing happening tomorrow. The phone rings; MKL and I get in the same room; I put the guru on speaker, send MKL a hopeful, tearful smile…and…yeah, that’s where I lose it every time. That’s when I hear her sigh thoughtfully and say, “I’m sorry…”
I know this isn’t good for me. Everything in my brain tells me that the point of visualization is to see everything turn out the way we want to. So why is it that I can only picture the negative? And why is today the hardest 24 hours in the two week wait?
It should totally get easier with each day that approaches result day. But it doesn’t. In the first few days after IUI, everything’s gravy – you’re taking it easy for a bit (don’t want to jostle anything loose!), and it seems like the test day will never come. As the hormones sink in, moods start to change and the pregnancy-symptom-fake-out-game commences. That goes on for another 10 days, and then you reach test day. Test day should be like Christmas Eve when I was 5. I should be filled with anticipation at the gifts and blessings that will come our way in the morning. Instead, it feels like the last day of summer vacation before I started my first day of high school. We had just moved to a new school district and I was starting high school without a single friend. I had my outfit picked out, got a new bookbag, and knew where the bus stop was. But I lay awake all night, knowing there was a distinct possibility that neither the clothes nor the bag would be cool enough. And I was quite sure no one worth hanging out with for my high school career would be met on the bus. (For the record, I was right on 2 of 3 counts; the brown leather messenger bag remains a classic.) I was filled with anticipation, just not the Christmas Eve kind. And that’s how I feel today. There is a chance that she’s going to start the conversation with “Congratulations!” instead of “I’m sorry,” just as there was a chance the cool kids would like my tight-rolled pants, paisley oxford and mary janes on that fateful first day. That sleepless night was as much about my fear of my own reaction to rejection as it was about the fear of rejection itself. The pit in my stomach today is as much about my memory of how defeated I felt when the last cycle didn’t work as it is about hearing the bfn. I don’t want to feel that way again.
MKL and our merry band of supporters have been great today, as always. And to thank them, I’ve spent 400 or so words ranting about how crappy I feel. Nice, huh? In honor of those who have tried to cheer me up, make me laugh, or give me some perspective, here is my top ten list of things that made me smile today:
10. Leftover chicken soup.
9. A gift from the boy MKL takes care of: it was a bulletin from church yesterday, folded in a very special way.
8. The cell phone expert in the Conrad Murray trial who had to spend 30 minutes explaining to the jury how to read their cell phone bill.
7. Seinfeld. Mangos/fake orgasm episode. Hilarious.
6. My co-worker who referenced the “euphoric cloud of adrenaline that will practically float [me] to work tomorrow.”
5. Listening to a bunch of white people on TMZ trying not to sound dumb saying “Waka Flocka Flame.”
4. Chelsea Handler. I’m reading her 2nd book and loving every word.
3. Walking with BFF and her dog. It’s not about the walk.
2. My dog, Stella. She won’t leave my side today, and I couldn’t be happier about it. She’s great at licking tears and even better at being the kind of clown I don’t find creepy as hell.
1. The adorable daisies picked by MKL and brought to me in a silver bud vase. So cute. The flowers are, too.
Sometime tomorrow I’ll log back on and post our test results. Until then I’m going to watch Dancing with the Stars. Surely Nancy Grace and David Arquette will find their way to my smile-worthy list. One way or another, the storm will pass tomorrow.