3…2…1…BFN!

The last picture taken of me while hope for cycle 1 was still alive. Thought I was miserable then...can't wait to be her again!

Something else that prompts a countdown: a bomb…like the one that dropped on us this morning.  So much for being the girl who tells the story about getting pregnant via her first iui attempt.  Not in the cards for me, I guess.

This morning as MKL and I were placing bets on when we’d get the call, the phone rang.  I stared at it for a split second, as if waiting one more ring could impact the result.  Our iui guru, for lack of a better title, is amazing.  She has been through the process personally, so she’s very sensitive to moments just like this one.  Good thing.  She ripped off the news quickly, like a bandage, and tried to re-focus us on the next attempt.  Nice try.

I’m not entirely sure how to feel.  Sad?  Depressed?  Disappointed?  Hopeful that the next try will work?  Glad I have another month to try to lose weight before I intentionally gain?  Bitter when I see the hippie girl patting her pregnant belly on the street corner?  If you answered in the affirmative to any of these options, thank you for validating me.  Because since the air was let out of our balloon this morning, I’ve felt each of these.  There’s no fancy way to describe how I feel.  I just plain wanted it to happen.  

I’m fairly certain that only good things can come from having an unsuccessful run.  Knowing what lies ahead makes everything easier.  The doctor doesn’t see a reason to modify the course of treatment at this point; everything functioned as it was supposed to.  Well…apparently not everything.  Maybe we’ll be more appreciative of our success when it eventually does work, now that we’ve experienced the failure.  Failure.  That’s harsh, but it’s how it feels.  Yet I didn’t fail.  MKL certainly didn’t fail.  The doctor held up her end of the bargain.  My body responded correctly to the medications.  The sperm had the right level of motility when thawed.  Is it really a failure if you can’t determine what went wrong?  Frustrating – not just that it didn’t work, but that we have no idea why.

Some good news: I’m off the progesterone for a month!  That’s excellent news for those who know me.  I don’t have to go back through the discomfort of the hsg (aka earth, wind, fire) test this time.  Studies show that the vast majority of iui patients who have success with the procedure do so on the 2nd-3rd try.  So the odds have significantly increased in our favor.  But possibly the best news is that the first try is over.  Last month was a month of “firsts.”  We’ll never again have a first exam, first femara dose, a first sperm order (or a first shipment tracking obsession), no first hcg shot, no first inseminations or acupuncture treatment.  And the best news of all is that no matter the outcome of cycle 2, 3, 4, or any subsequent try: we will never again feel the way we did this morning when we heard the word “negative.”

I’ve cried a lot today.  Not a surprise – it’s been a rough day and I’m a well-known cry-baby.  I’ve decided it’s ok to mourn a little bit today.  But I have to get it over with before the sun comes back up tomorrow.  Removing the progesterone will kick start my next cycle and by the time that happens, I will have to be ready to take this ride all over again.  So while sadness and depression have ruled the day thus far, I’m looking forward to hope edging them out by the time morning comes.

We love you, little monkey…wherever you are.  We’ll be patient.