are you my moms?

the musings of yet another lesbian couple on the journey of mother(s)hood

Implanting a Seed September 26, 2011

Filed under: Hormones,Two-week wait — areyoumymoms @ 6:42 pm
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This weekend I abandoned my normal gym routine in favor of the beautiful fall weather.  My BFF and I took her sweet-as-pie dog on a 4 mile walk around our neighborhood Saturday.  It has been awhile since I opted for outdoor exercise, since I’m not a huge fan of the heat.  But this weekend it was just gorgeous – still a little warm, but breezy.  It felt so good on Saturday that I did it again yesterday.  Our neighborhood is full of activity on the weekends – lots of people walking dogs or kids in strollers, restaurant patios full of the brunch/late-afternoon-drinking-crowd, cyclists, walkers, joggers, and the yard-obsessed catching the early leaves as they fall.  As we walked this weekend, I realized just how excited I am to raise a child with MKL here.  Both days, I came home invigorated and warm with babymaking vibes (not to mention a little sunburn).

I expected to awaken in the same sunny frame of mind today.  And then I woke up.  Not invigorated…not even a little; warm, but mostly due to the hormonal rise in body temperature rather than tingly babymaking vibes; and experiencing some of the worst cramping my body has ever known.  I laid in bed, curled into the tightest ball I could manage, and tried to pray the pain away.  No dice.  And then the crying started.  Awesome.  Once MKL realized the pain level and saw me crying, she wanted to do anything she could to “fix” it.  Bless her.  She brought me tylenol, wiped my tears, and offered to call doc or the guru.  Instead, we opted to review the side effects of prometrium (again) and remembered that abdominal discomfort or cramping is usually near the top of the list.  After a few hours the pain had let up enough for me to get in the shower and start my day…with another effing dose of prometrium, of course.

If last month was a cycle of firsts, I think this month has to be the cycle of pattern recognition.  As I was haphazardly throwing cosmetics in the direction of my face this morning, I realized that last cycle’s crying fit happened one week before our pregnancy test.  Guess what happens in a week?  Yep – the blood test is a week from today.  So maybe my hormone side effects are at their worst when I’m 5-7 days into the treatment.  From everything I’ve read, side effects will vary from cycle to cycle.  Yet again, my “I know what to expect this time” theory is thrown into the trash.  Last cycle the mood swings were the worst side effect, with the constant dull headache and waves of nausea falling into a tie for a close second place.  I guess this time around the cramping will take the top spot.

Approaching the halfway mark of our two-week-wait, I had been doing great – optimistic, but I was able to explain away any potential “early pregnancy symptoms” as progesterone side effects.  My goal is to be back in that place by the time I wake up tomorrow.  I’m definitely not there now.  There’s a dull ache going on in the same place where I had stabbing cramps this morning, and any good googler will tell you that this pain could be implantation cramping.  For those of you who haven’t read every single pregnancy book on the shelves, implantation is what happens when your newly fertilized egg takes root in your uterus.  This process is known to happen between 7-14 days after ovulation.  I’m on day 8.  Many women report that they can feel this happen.  Please, God, let me be one of those women.

It’s simple to say, “it’s the hormone…just bide your time until next Tuesday.”  MKL has issued a cease and desist order to stop me from scouring the internet for a description of what implantation cramps actually feel like.  She’s absolutely right to do it, but it’s not so simple to think that way.  This pain was different.  I had the headache, nausea, mild cramping, fatigue, etc. last month with the progesterone.  But I never had this type of cramp last time – not this type of quick stab followed by a day of dull ache, and not this low in the abdomen, either.  So of course it’s nearly impossible not to think that this different symptom will yield a different result.  Though I know it’s most likely the hormone.

In short, this process continues to be a mind-f%#k of epic proportion.  And as I typed that last sentence, one of those stupid Johnson & Johnson commercials came on…you know, the ones that end with the wisdom: “Having a baby changes everything.”  I’d like to publicly invite both of those Johnsons to bite me.


Everything Tastes Brown September 20, 2011

Filed under: Backstory,Meds — areyoumymoms @ 7:34 pm
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I’ve mentioned before that doc is a holistic gynecologist.  This means she’s concerned about more than just what she finds on an ultrasound.  She asks questions about my stress levels, eating habits, exercise patterns, and just about anything else she can come up with.  She also sent me to an acupuncturist.  He’s great…so great that I don’t even mind being his personal pin cushion.  He kinda reminds me of that guy who played the trombone in the high school band – you know, the one who was SUPER passionate about the trombone?  That’s him.  He trained in China and worked in the pharmacy of a chinese hospital; so he’s also big on chinese medicine, which is based largely on herbs. 

I recently went for an acupuncture treatment and my needle doc said, “Hey – how’s about some herbs to reduce your stress and improve your ovulatory function??”  It was then I remembered our first appointment, where he had mentioned how helpful these herbal concoctions might be.  After my treatment I went into his office where he had set up a tea service.  A very smelly tea service.  Next to the tea service was a plastic bag containing pouches of brown liquid.  (I find it both unintentionally racist and completely vital to include the following detail: the plastic bag in question is the generic kind with the smiley face…you know…the one that usually carries your mongolian beef and crab rangoon?  I’m still laughing at that, with apologies to all those I’ve offended.) 

eye of newt, flying squirrel dung, and of course...ginger!

Needle doc smiled: “Down the hatch!”  Then he said something in chinese, as if that would somehow make the tea taste better, and we drank.  I smiled back, told him I’d tasted worse (remind me to tell you about the honey badger’s shrimp pasta casserole sometime), and agreed to drink a pouch 3 times a day until we know I’m pregnant.  I took a cursory look at the pouches and went home without realizing that he didn’t tell me what’s in them.  I also failed to notice that the writing on the pouches is entirely in chinese, save the “made in Los Angeles” stamp.

I have spent the time since this appointment coming up with different ways to describe the odor and flavor of my new cocktail.  I’ve found words (liquid ass; herbs-dirt-n-shit; hot molten sludge), but none seems to really do it justice.  And most are probably hyperbole anyway.  All I can say is that both the tea and everything I eat or drink for an hour following the tea, tastes…brown.  The first day I drank them I actually chased someone around my office just to force him to take a whiff.  (Sorry about that, btw.)  If you were standing within a 2-mile radius of me when I had to drink, you were forced to endure the sniff test.  I’ve since grown up about it just a tiny bit and now just chug them back before each meal, hoping that whatever I’m about to eat will cancel out the taste.  (I do still regularly/childishly offer MKL a sip.  She politely declines.)  I made the horrible mistake of trying to figure out what’s in the potion and found that they use some really nasty stuff in these herbal medicines!  There’s a reason he let me leave without divulging an ingredient list.

Funny thing about eastern medicine.  I really thought it was going to be a whole lotta crap.  As it turns out, I’m a bit of an idiot.  Gynecology as we know it today has been around for what, a few hundred years?  The first documented successful case of human pregnancy resulting from insemination didn’t take place until the 1950’s.  In the meantime, billions of people have relied on traditional chinese medicine to treat conditions such as fertility since the 400’s B.C.  Who am I to question all those generations of ladies who drank their herbs and let former high school trombonists put needles in them?

I also think these smelly little shots of delight are working.  This weekend was really stressful.  It was the kind of time that would normally have prompted several consecutive days of crying.  And yet I didn’t shed a single tear.  Not when we were faced with the idea of spending a mortgage payment on sperm that would never live long enough to fulfill their purpose; not when we sat on pins and needles, waiting for the other egg to drop; and not even when we did the math to figure out that most of Saturday’s specimen was probably a wash…so to speak.  I just shrugged my shoulders and sighed.  I certainly can’t change things now. 

This grown-up, calm reaction is not at all like me.  Not at all.  Or maybe it is.  Maybe the herbs are revealing the truly rational human being inside me who has always been screaming to get out.  Hahahahaaaa…yeah, I had a hard time picturing that, too.  But if so, great timing – that’ll come in handy when I’m a mom!


Ovulation – check!! September 19, 2011

Filed under: IUI,Two-week wait — areyoumymoms @ 6:30 pm
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Swim, little buddies!!! SWIM!!!!!!

If you can talk plants into growing, you can talk your ovary into dropping an egg.  That’s the philosophy we had all night as we kept staring at, talking to, and all but daring my ovary to release the only follicle it created this cycle.  And what do you know?  It worked!!  This morning’s ultrasound showed that the egg released sometime last night.  That’s the good news. 

Doc’s best estimate is that it happened sometime between 8-10pm.  That’s the bad less good news.  We were hoping for an early-mid afternoon ovulation, which would allow for more of Saturday’s sample to be viable.  The later the egg released, the more we’re relying on Sunday’s swimmers to get the job done.  The more we rely on Sunday’s boys, the greater the chance that we essentially wasted our money on Saturday’s.  But we aren’t dwelling on that.  At least, not yet.  We’re still excited that I might be pregnant. 

Relax and enjoy.  That’s what I said.  I also said “I know what to expect this time.  It will be so much easier.”  I will now invite all the ttc readers to laugh at that one.  Don’t worry, you’re laughing with me on that, as I’ve been smiling since I saw the opk result Saturday morning.  Lesson learned: each cycle will be different.  If we aren’t successful this time, we will most likely adjust some of the treatment protocol; we may increase the dosages during the follicular phase or we might prepare for another false positive lh surge by shipping a 3rd vial, just in case.  (ca-ching!)

I want to take a minute to rave about my doctor.  At the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t so sure I’d like her.  I was sold on her by the 2nd appointment, despite her attempts to practice fencing maneuvers with her ultrasound wand.  But this weekend my respect and admiration for her exploded.  She has now reached full-scale superstar status in our house.  Not only did she take the time to talk through all the options and odds yesterday (in the middle of her Sunday afternoon!), she was genuinely thrilled today when she saw the ultrasound screen and was able to tell us that the follicle had ruptured.  She laughed with us about our good luck charms and repeatedly told us how glad she was that we went through with the insemination yesterday.  Even though she was clear that we took a risk, she was quick to point out that she has had pregnancies result from a single-specimen insemination cycle as well as a “double-pre,” which is what we did (unintentionally) this time around.  This lady knows her stuff, and we definitely trust her to get us knocked up, even when my body gives her mixed signals. 

This attempt included a lot of good luck charms and strange coincidences.  I’ve never been a very superstitious person but if we get a bfp 2 weeks from tomorrow, I’m going to have to change my tune.  And buy a lottery ticket.

  • The early lh surge happened the day after MKL’s birthday.  This day was also the birthday of her grandmother, with whom she was extremely close.
  • The night before the lh surge/trigger shot/iui #1, we went out for MKL’s birthday and she was given a baby doll as a pseudo-gag-gift.  The doll came with us to all 3 appointments, along with a few other special items we’ve had with us throughout the journey.
  • The date of specimen donation for the both vials we used this weekend is both MKL’s father’s birthday and the anniversary of the death of a dear friend of ours.
  • The afternoon of iui #1, we had a visit from our friends, who brought with them their 6-week-old nephew.  Surely holding a baby the day you’re inseminated is good juju.

MKL keeps looking at me and smiling.  Now that it has happened twice, I can say that this is my favorite part of the two week wait.  This small window of time between insemination and progesterone treatment (meh…), is also the time when implantation could be taking place.  So a) there’s the whole you-don’t-have-to-take-the-hormones-and-become-a-raging-beeeotch-yet-benefit and b) MKL seems keenly aware that at any minute she looks at me, I could be conceiving our child.  She tells me she gets butterflies when she thinks about it, which is completely adorable and only makes me wish even harder for different results this time.

So here we are again…starting our two week wait, putting good energy into the universe, and hoping in return we get a good call from the guru 2 weeks from tomorrow.  Both MKL and I want to send hugs and a huge THANK YOU to all our friends and family who have been praying and sending well-wishes our way.  We feel all of you supporting us, and we believe in the power of that support.  Feeling that level of love and support is like getting a sneak peek at the love that will surround our child.  I’m here to tell you: that’s gonna be one lucky little monkey…


Viva Las Eggas September 18, 2011

Filed under: IUI — areyoumymoms @ 10:36 pm
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I’m not much of a gambler.  It may come from growing up poor, but I just can’t stand seeing money wasted, and gambling seems a potential waste of money.  I don’t participate in office sports pools, managed to lose only $20 when we were in Las Vegas a few months ago, and typically only place a bet if I know I can win (you may recall I have a slight issue about being right…).  But even as I watch other people bet, I’ve wondered what it would be like to take a big risk.  And now I wonder no more.  Around noon today we took a big, big chance.

Time for another lesson in assisted reproductive technology.  Doc has the most success with 2 back to back iui treatments, given 24 hours apart.  The idea behind her philosophy is that you inseminate right before ovulation and again just following ovulation. The sperm will live 24-36 hours after insemination, so this technique gives the best chance for one of the swimmers to finish the race.  The home ovulation predictor kits just tell her when ovulation might naturally occur, but the trigger shot she gives will actually “schedule” the egg to leave the ovary, usually sometime the evening following the shot.  When doc saw a very mature follicle yesterday after my early positive opk, she inseminated, but only after giving the trigger shot to ensure my ovulation would take place sometime by midnight tonight.  Here’s where it gets tricky…

I was inseminated yesterday morning around 10:00AM.  That means the swimmers from yesterday started to die off around 11:00 today, and won’t be viable at all after midnight.  I’m not terribly thrilled about knowing the sperm’s in there to begin with, but now all I can think about it a batch of stale “yesterday’s swimmers” hanging out.  Eww.  When we got to doc’s office today just before noon, the hope was that I’d have already ovulated.  If the follicle had already ruptured from the ovary by the time we got into the exam room, we would know to inseminate, since that would give 1 sample before ovulation and 1 after.  But of course, this is me we’re talking about.  My body’s not about to make anything easy…  Doc looked at the ultrasound machine and said, “It is still unruptured.”  Oh.  Ok.  Ummm…now what?

Doc instantly let us know that we would not be inseminating again today, as that would not allow for the pre-and-post-plan-of-attack.  But as she began to think aloud and do some kind of new math I’ll never fully understand, she back pedaled.  She started to think about the chance that yesterday’s positive opk could have been a false hormone surge, and started treating this cycle as a triggered cycle, since she indeed gave me the profasi shot yesterday.  Based on how my body responded to the shot last cycle, she predicted I’ll ovulate sometime between 8PM-midnight tonight.  My appointment for tomorrow is for late morning.  So if I ovulate at midnight it’s possible that all of yesterday’s sperm will have died by the time it happens.  But there’s also a chance the egg wouldn’t be viable by the time we send in the next batch tomorrow.  On the other hand, going ahead with the insemination today meant changing the plan of attack by sending in 2 batches before ovulation.  Doc was great.  She stood in her Redskins jersey (I love seeing her on the weekend), calmly helping us weigh the options but making it clear that no matter the decision, we’re taking a risk.  It became obvious by the numbers, that inseminating today would be the way to go.  Today’s swimmers would be good until midnight(ish) tomorrow which would give them 24 hours to hang out with the egg. 

There exists the chance, though, that this whole hormone surge is one giant fake out.  There’s a shot that my body hasn’t responded to the meds in the same manner it did last month, and that I just won’t ovulate.  If the egg doesn’t leave the ovary by tomorrow evening, we will have rolled the dice with 2 vials of sperm and lost.  Big.  So far we’ve remained beautifully calm about the whole thing.  We knew immediately that we wanted to go forward with today’s insemination.  It was doc’s recommendation and we trust her.  It’s an expensive gamble, both financially and emotionally.  And it’s the only time I’ve ever immediately said yes to a bet that wasn’t a sure thing. 

So we thawed, we inseminated, and now I’m engaged in an internal chant aimed at my right ovary: “release the egg…go ahead, let it go…”  Tomorrow morning we go back to see doc again and she’ll check to see if the egg is still unruptured.  If so, we’re still not sunk.  There will still be another 10-12 hours of viability from today’s batch.  It could still happen this cycle.  That’s how we have to look at it.  Pessimism is no good for either of us.  Once you’ve placed your bets there’s no sense in regretting the risk.  But that doesn’t mean we’re able to focus on anything other than what doc will see on the screen in the morning.  So say it with me: Go ahead, release that egg.  Just let it go…you don’t need it anymore…ovulate…ovulate…ovulate…


Surprise Party! September 17, 2011

Filed under: Hormones,IUI,Meds,Two-week wait — areyoumymoms @ 4:49 pm
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It was supposed to be a normal, quiet weekend.  A whole Saturday with no plans.  Maybe the gym, some errands, the street festival up the road, some friends were to drop by with their baby nephew.  And then…against all odds, it happened:

The smile you see to your left is the signal that my little digital ovulation predictor kit detected a surge in lh (luteinizing hormone).  This means the follicles doc saw on my pre-treatment ultrasound have received the right amount of estrogen to make them grow (with a little help from the letrozole).  The high estrogen levels have prompted production of lh, the hormone that makes the follicles leave the ovaries.  So when the test detects the surge in lh, I’ll ovulate within the next 24 hours or so.  That’s right, folks.  I read the books.  And the instructions on the ClearBlue Easy box. 

When I say the smile appeared “against all odds,” I’m not just being dramatic.  Today is only cycle day 9, and we were supposed to trigger my ovulation with profasi in two days.  The guru only told me to start using the tests on day 8 as a precaution.  No one, including doc or the guru, thought we’d actually get a positive until after the profasi did its job. 

I’ve been using these “smiley sticks” for 4 months now, and I’ve only ever had a non-medically-induced smiley face once.  It was on or around day 9 last cycle.  I was so excited.  In the months leading up to that cycle I’d not started testing until day 10, thinking that since most women ovulate around day 14, I’d have plenty of buffer.  We sent frantic texts to the guru and went to doc’s office, a ball of excitement and nerves.  I called my mom, my boss, my bff, the Publix deli lady, my 4th grade teacher, and the girl at the hair salon who always gets my appointment times wrong.  We were having a baby, dammit!!  The world needed to know!!  Nope.  It only took 15 minutes and a cup of urine for doc to tell us that it was likely a false positive.  The follicles weren’t the right size yet.  We parted ways for work that day, disappointed, but still on track for our scheduled treatment a few days later.

So when I got the smile again this morning (on day 9!) we were sure it was a repeated exercise in futility.  In the dark of the early morning, I fumbled through my baby file and found my appointment card: “Call or text guru 7am/7pm with positive opk on or before cd 11.”  Right.  Relax and enjoy, I thought, as I typed a quick message to the guru.  It’s just going to be an ultrasound, and then you’re back to your normal, quiet Saturday with no plans.  “Doc will meet u @ her ofc 930.  If follies mature she will insem.”  I woke MKL up and gave her the news, and packed up our insemination good luck charms and the pillows I’d stack under my legs for the 20-minute ride home…we wouldn’t need them, but just in case.  We were both thinking about the money we’d potentially waste on a needless ultrasound, but the alternative is that we’d potentially miss our window.  Even from a purely financial standpoint there’s no question about whether or not to go for the test; we’re better off wasting an ultrasound than a vial of sperm.  I’m starting to think they make that crap out of platinum.  Based on her expression when she greeted us in the exam room wearing workout gear, I’m pretty sure doc shared our doubt about the chances of that smile having occurred naturally.

But that’s precisely what happened.  The ultrasound showed that the already noted follicle in my right ovary was big and ready to go.  The next few minutes passed in a blink.  Before I knew it we were signing consent forms and confirming the donor number from the frozen vial.  Doc shot me up with profasi, to be sure that giant follicle pops out of the ovary on time, while the guru’s weekend assistant thawed the sperm.  30 minutes later I was stacking my pillows in the back seat of our car.

Yesterday was MKL’s bday.  A friend asked her earlier this week what she wanted for her birthday; she half- jokingly replied, “a baby.”  We have beautiful, caring friends who would do anything to make our wishes come true, as we would theirs.  So it didn’t surprise me last night when MKL opened her birthday gift to find a baby doll – their attempt to give her exactly what she wished for.  The doll joined a hand-made-with-love good luck card in our bag and accompanied us to doc’s office.  I’m not sure if it was the good luck charms, the past few days’ lull in babymaking activity, the chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist, or just the whole unexpected nature of the day’s activities, but we were calm and relaxed throughout the entire experience.  If it’s possible to enjoy a procedure like iui, I think we did today. 

The next step is another appointment tomorrow, where we’ll determine when we’re going to do iui #2 for this round…might be tomorrow, or she might postpone.  Remaining in our relax-and-enjoy state of zen during the two week wait might be a chore.  But for now, we’re good.  Who knows?  Maybe MKL will get her birthday wish after all.


The Wisdom of Keanu Reeves September 15, 2011

Filed under: Backstory — areyoumymoms @ 8:35 pm
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Yep – I said it.  He’s wise.  Well, really the brilliant screenwriting team of Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel are the wise ones.  Wow…Babaloo.  Wonder how MKL would feel about naming our little one Babaloo (if it’s a boy – clearly not a girl’s name).  Where was I?  Ah, yes – Keanu.  Ganz & Mandel wrote the movie Parenthood.  I love that movie.  It is not only well-written, but also directed with a keen eye for emotional nuance by Ron Howard.  It boasts a phenomenal ensemble cast: Dianne Weist, Jason Robards, Steve Martin, Mary Steenburgen, Rick Moranis, a very young Joaquin Phoenix, and my favorite – Martha Plimpton.  Amid this talented crew stands a pre-Matrix, pre-Speed Keanu Reeves.  At the time, he was best known as one half of the time-traveling duet of dumb, Bill & Ted.  But after one particular scene in Parenthood, I had a feeling he could really act.  In a fleeting moment of clarity, Reeves’ simple, stoned character, Tod, utters the best line of the film:

“You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, or drive a car. Hell, you need a license to catch a fish!

But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father. “

Solid truth.  When I was 13, my mother took me to see Parenthood.  I laughed at it then; though looking back, I probably only caught about 70% of the humor.  But even at 13, I knew this line had the ring of truth and insight. You see, it was around that age that I discovered my father is indeed an asshole.  That opinion was only confirmed as fact as I aged.  Sadly, he did not become less of an asshole, just an older asshole.  My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and though I spent virtually every summer visiting him as a child, I’ve been estranged (by my own choice) from my father since I graduated high school.  I’ve seen him a few times since – I tried to be the adult and invited him to our wedding.  He came.  I regretted it.  When we bought our house I tried again to establish a bond, but it just wasn’t meant to be.  So I have resigned to living out my days without my “real” father in my life.  I’ve been fortunate to have a wonderful mother who was always parent enough for two.  She also made sure that there were father figures in my life in such a way that I actively seek out those relationships as an adult (yes, I’ve talked to my therapist about it). 

In the wake of our Labor Day extravaganza with Winky and the Honey Badger, I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes people good parents.  It isn’t that my father doesn’t love me; I’m quite sure he does.  He just never shuts up about himself long enough to tell me or show me.  MKL’s mother is not a bad parent either.  She just has absolutely no clue how to show her daughter how much she loves her.  I took that weekend as a lesson in how not to parent.  It makes me wish there was some TLC show where Stacy London and Clinton Kelly-type characters show up unannounced to makeover your parenting style.  But there’s no such show.  Even for the sake of 15 minutes of reality tv fame, no parent is going to open him/herself up to that kind of public scrutiny.  What did you say, Kate Gosselin?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  I hate watching MKL hurt from the words her mother screeched at her and vowed that I’d never make our child feel that way.  And then I realized that neither my father nor MKL’s mother set out to hurt us.  We were just collateral damage.

As a nanny, MKL is exposed to yet another family’s parenting style.  In an attempt to refrain from passing judgment, I’ll just say that we would parent this child differently.  Very, very dfferently.  They chose to have him – he’s adopted.  They wanted a child just like Winky & the Honey Badger did…just like my parents did.  Just like MKL and I do.  Thinking about this in the context of our soon-to-be baby scares the hell out of me.  I suppose no one really thinks they’ll harm their children emotionally, but so very many people do just that.  We’re good people, my wife and I.  We want to have a baby because we both have a biological instinct for motherhood.  We’re nurturers by nature (confession: I totally started singing “You Down with O.P.P.” in my head when I typed that!), and we’re pretty sure we’ll be good at this parenting thing.  But as with any other couple, there’s a huge chance that we’re going to send this kid into therapy, just like our parents did.

So I’ve made two decisions: 1) We will begin saving now for both a college fund and a psychology stipend; and 2) we will never, ever forget how our parents’ words shaped who we are today.  We’re not even pregnant yet but we both love our child too much to do that kind of damage.  In essence, we will follow the teachings of the wise Keanu.  And I think the world would be a much better place if more people did the same.


The Calm Before the Storm September 14, 2011

Filed under: IUI,Meds — areyoumymoms @ 11:22 pm
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Karl from Privilege Aluxes

We took this pic in Isla Mujeres, Mexico a year ago today as tropical storm Karl hovered across the gulf.

There are times in this journey when I think I can’t take another day…the ups, the downs, the good news, the bad news.  But now is not one of those times.  For the next few days there’s not a lot going on – just some meds and ovulation predictor kits.  It’s like that eerie calm that sets in just as you see the storm roll in on the horizon.  So the idea is that I’m supposed to use this lull to go about my regular life – go to work, exercise, eat right, keep stress levels down, etc.  But the process is so all-consuming that any of those activities is made nearly impossible.  It’s hard to work out without thinking about how I’ll feel on the elliptical machine when there’s a basketball in my waistband.  When discussing projects at work that will be completed 5 months from now, my mind wanders to the different facets of our life that will have changed by then.  Starting on Monday with the trigger shot, the focus will shift back to physical side effects and emotional yo-yo tricks.  So I would be really well-advised to enjoy the next few days.  Sadly, I suck at taking my own advice.  But I’m working on it. 

I took my last dose of letrozole tonight, the lovely pill that makes sure I ovulate properly by stimulating follicle development.  Doc and the guru prefer letrozole to clomid, its more popular sister drug.  I’m not entirely sure why there’s a preference, but I’ve read there are terrible side effects from clomid, and I’ve only had a few headaches as a result of the letrozole.  No arguments here. 

The only other progress of note is that our swimmers have arrived!  Back when we used to spend money on things that weren’t intended to make us parents, I’d shop online and track the shipments of my treasures as they made their way across the country.  Buying sperm online takes that ritual to an unprecedented level of obsession.  But I’m happy to say that FedEx got our boys safely into the guru’s possession in preparation for next week. 

With our samples here, my follicle-stimulating medication complete, and a day’s reprieve before I have to start the pee-stick routine, the stage is set.  Perhaps I’ll be able to listen to my own advice after all…


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