are you my moms?

the musings of yet another lesbian couple on the journey of mother(s)hood

A Thrill Ride – Not for the Faint of Heart! August 31, 2011

Filed under: Hormones,IUI,Two-week wait — areyoumymoms @ 11:48 am
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I love roller coasters.  I love the fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach as the car climbs a steep incline almost as much as I love the feeling of careening back down.  MKL, for the record, does not like this feeling at all (the image on this post might actually make her queasy).  Roller coasters give her whiplash, as we learned on a trip to Universal Studios this spring.  But like them or not, they’re the best possible metaphor for the ttc ride.  You have no idea how long the ride will last; you never just forge straight ahead…there are always bumps, twists, and seemingly insurmountable hills.  It is at once exhilerating and terrifying.  Case in point:

This morning I awoke in tears (sorry again, honey).  I realized that today marks just one week until we find out if this cycle was a success.  My first thought was, “It’s not long, now!  Only 7 more days until we can start re-decorating the spare room!  Just one more week until I can start telling more people!  Only 168 more hours until I can post the joyous bfp!!” 

And then the other shoe dropped…right on my face.

I’ve already been through the very Pollyanna-esque (and not at all ECL-ish) thoughts like: “no matter what, this cycle is a success because we know my body responded correctly to the meds” and “it’s ok if it doesn’t happen the first time around…we know it will probably take more than one try.”  But in all honesty, the minute that doctor said the words “ok – we’re done,” I was filled with hope.  I told myself that I’m pregnant until someone can prove otherwise.  I pictured the nursery and heard our house echo with the sounds of a newborn cry.  And now, in just one week I might hear the words I’ve dreaded, and have to post the awful bfn.  So I cried.  And cried.  It was as though the excitement that comes with reaching the next stop on the journey was completely overshadowed by some cruel Dick Clark countdown to the end of hope.  I could no longer see the nursery or hear the baby crying – all I could see was the next round of meds, the next specimen order, the next trigger shot, and the next miserable two week wait. 

About an hour later on the way to work, I got nauseous again.  It might have been caused by the sea of taillights ahead of me as I fought the Atlanta traffic.  It might have been because of the hormone.  Or…it might, just might be a new life starting inside me.  And the roller coaster crested the hill while I giggled and screamed all the way down.

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Progesteroni: San Francisco treat or Bobby Brown song? August 30, 2011

Filed under: Hormones,IUI,Two-week wait — areyoumymoms @ 10:37 am
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Before turning Whitney into the 12-step poster child, Bobby Brown once gave his heart to progesteroni.  Wait…that’s not right. 

A trolley dings in the distance, and a cheerful chorus sings: “Progesteroni, the San Francisco treat!”  No?

I’m a musician.  I measure my life in song.  I hear soundtracks in my head when everything is silent, and this whole ttc journey is no exception.  I can’t help humming a lullaby when we’re out to dinner and the cute baby at the next table smiles at me, making my insides hurt.  I hear percussion in the tip-tapping of an ultrasound machine as the doctor measures my follicles (annoying…it’s like rain man).  So it should come as no surprise to those who know me that I hear 80’s hip-hop and rice jingles when someone says “progesterone.”  Correction: I did hear music, right up until I was 8 hours into my first dose.

For those of you not in the know, women undergoing ART are urged to supplement each treatment cycle with a round of progesterone until it’s time for the blood test.  This will help to prevent miscarriage in the event that the treatment cycle is successful.  Sounds harmless, huh?  Not so fast.  The side effect list for progesterone is as follows: headache, breast tenderness, upset stomach, tiredness, and a host of other excellent pastimes you don’t even want to know about.  The list of early pregnancy symptoms is as follows: headache, breast tenderness, upset stomach, tiredness…do you see a pattern developing?  Me, too.  As if the two-week wait wasn’t bad enough, now the doctors have added the delightful bonus of heightening the pregnancy paranoia.  Awesome.

But possibly the worst side effect from the progesterone for me is the mood roller coaster.  My wife really should be sainted.  She has absorbed the brunt of my crap for the past 6 days, and still loves me enough to pray that I’m pregnant instead of wishing she’d awaken from her own personal nightmare.  For instance, it probably wasn’t her fault that I got overheated the other day when drying my hair, causing it to curl, thereby reversing my blow-out efforts and prompting me to throw a round brush across the bathroom (did I mention this hormone also raises my body temperature by about 60 degrees?  and it’s August?  and I live in Atlanta!!).  After my fit, I found her patiently riding out the storm with our dog peeking out from behind her legs.  I was shocked when I returned home later and the house wasn’t boarded up in preparation for the next hurricane. I fully expected sandbags.

The bottom line is that, as with all other joys of IUI, this might help us become parents.  Short of some twisted form of torture involving clowns and animals dressed as humans, I can withstand anything that results in a baby.  Here’s hoping the same goes for wifey.  So to echo the words of a formerly great musician: My heart belongs to progesteroni.  She’s my only love!  At least for the next week.

 

To Catch You Up… August 29, 2011

Filed under: Backstory — areyoumymoms @ 11:20 am
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Like most women who are trying to conceive via IUI or another method of ART, I have spent countless hours searching the blogosphere to find out what’s “normal.”  What I’ve learned is that there’s no such thing.  Since everyone’s reasons for using ART are different, and all our bodies are different, we all react differently to the physical and emotional effects of the ttc world.  I found myself identifying, in some small way, with just about everyone’s story.   Yet mine has barely begun.

In case you haven’t already read the “About Us” section, here’s a quick recap: wifey and I have been together over 9 years and have been ready to start a family for at least 7.  But as with everyone on this journey, life tends to get in the way of carefully laid plans.  So now we find ourselves on the IUI roller coaster in our mid-late 30’s.

We’re blessed with great friends who have been extremely supportive and would beg, borrow, or steal to make us parents (if you’re reading this, we might take you up on those offers eventually…).  When discussing my new ttc blog obsession with my BFF, she suggested I start one of my own – both as therapy for me and as a way to hopefully tell a new story.  My problem was that in all the stories I read, I hadn’t found a single one that extolled the joys of having IUI success the first time around.  Perhaps that’s because those ladies blessed enough to conceive in their first cycle are too busy decorating nurseries and measuring their growing bellies to keep up with a blog.  Maybe it’s because if it happens the first time, who needs to consult the virtual ttc community for comfort?  Or maybe it’s because it doesn’t happen very often (surely that’s not the case, right?).  I’m most likely jinxing our chances by even typing the next sentence, but I’ve noticed that the further I get in this process, my typical cynical nature is dissolving before my very eyes.  So here goes: I want to be the girl that starts telling her story before an attempt at conception fails.  (*Note, this theory could all go out the window in the next 10 days*)  And yes, I’m aware that several pairs of eyes just rolled, and many southern ladies just said “awwwww…bless her heart.”  But stick with me… 

As I write this initial post, I’m halfway into my dreaded two-week-wait.  We did femara-assisted, HCG-triggered, fingers-crossed inseminations on 8/21 and 8/22.  For those of you who are also on this journey, your internal calendar/calculator app has likely just realized I can’t do my pregnancy test two weeks after my 2nd insemination due to the most ironic holiday ever: Labor Day.  So instead of 15 days, I get to wait 16.  Great start, huh?  That’s not even the half of it.  If this works the first time (when!  when it works!!) it will truly be the product of a comedy of errors.  I had to take a business trip to Las Vegas when it was time to get my initial bloodwork done, so I gave my 12 vials in the desert between days of a trade show.  I was under some significant family stress in the weeks that followed, shortening my cycle by 10 days, and my doctor has never seen evidence that I ovulate naturally (though my body responded perfectly to the femara and HCG shot).  I’m 35 years old with very low AMH, and have never naturally made one of those effing digital OPK’s smile at me.   And while I’m quite healthy today, I’ve fought a life-long battle with weight, putting yet another barrier between us and an easy run.

So now you know a little about us.  I know all first-time bloggers say this, but I hope to post at least something each day (right…again, that’s probably not realistic but a girl’s gotta do something to keep herself occupied during these miserable two weeks!!).  Stay tuned for such fascinating topics as: “Progesteroni: San Francisco Treat or Bobby Brown Song?” “My Doctor, the Butter-Churner” and “I Just Inhaled and Exhaled – That Means I’m Pregnant, Right?”

 

 
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